Of course you realise that if you DO ring Simon you won't get a word in edgeways, so if you're truly suicidal and it's urgent, maybe call the Samaritans first
What you will get though is entertaining conversation of the highest order, so there's a good chance he can distract you from your troubles. He's also good with plumbing emergencies, fixing scooters, kilt stories, and he's seen some things around the world that are a lot worse than any of us will ever have to experience, so he might help you get it into perspective.
Bless you Simon, Merry Christmas mate