A message of hope to (usually) Dads

[Len]

A message of hope to (usually) Dads

Without sharing personal details, having no choice in the matter (Court being so one sided etc) I haven’t seen my children from my first marriage for 22 years. Not one day has gone by without me thinking of them, and the struggle of (luckily) having a happy life with my now wife and two more kids, against the depression and guilt of not being around for them, and missing them terribly, has been so hard. My Dad was a Children's entertainer, and a lovely man, but died never seeing them again (No one considers the grandparents)

Unfortunately, there is a lot of this about, and some (usually) dad's lives have been ruined by it.  They either turn to drink, or in some cases sadly commit suicide.

I waited until my children were adults, then wrote to them every so often ‘chipping away’ at changing their mindset about me. Finally, on Sunday 6th August, I met both my son and daughter in Bristol, and we had a wonderful re-union, which will now be built on.

This thread must not turn in to a 'women hating' exercise.  No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, but my opinion is - No matter what mum and dad think of each other, it is so important for children to know that both parents love them, and for regular contact to be established.

My message to any (usually) dads out there going through this, is never give up hope. This nature thing is really powerful, so one day you will be reunited. When this happens, do not dwell on the past, what's done is done.  It is much better to focus on the future, a strong close relationship will soon follow.

I am now waking up feeling so different about life, it's unbelievable.

I expect some of you can relate to this - Please share this message of hope to anyone you know who is going through a similar situation.

Len.

[Tlscapital]

Liveliness, love and determination are vital drive forces. Optimism in real situations (not the philosophy one) allows one to face the expected trials and crosses through hardship providing one with all the necessary means to make it happen.

Just like your strong testimony shows here.

The outcome although can be only hopefully achieved. In real it's not always the case. But after having tried until the end if to no avail regrets will have no say. Because it's still better to have love and lost than to never to have loved at all.

Life goes on. Even rugged with it's casualties load... KTF !

Bitterness toward one or many is never good. But deepest open disagreement and caution on some characters and human nature in behavior are to be learned, point out and taught. For oneself and to others to prevent and protect.

Not to involve every other people or the world into is most proper.

Edited August 15, 2023 by Tlscapital

[Daved]

My daughter and I have been estranged for a few years. This stared immediately after the separation, then was fine for some years and then happened again. I kept in touch but it was one way traffic. However, recently we've seen each other twice and even came along for a meal for my birthday. These things typically work out in the long run, thankfully.

[Len]

12 hours ago, Daved said:

My daughter and I have been estranged for a few years. This stared immediately after the separation, then was fine for some years and then happened again. I kept in touch but it was one way traffic. However, recently we've seen each other twice and even came along for a meal for my birthday. These things typically work out in the long run, thankfully.

Nice to hear Dave.

I know someone who has been visiting his daughter at a Visitor Centre under supervision for 4 years.  Can you imagine having someone sat there taking notes at every visit? That can't be good for the child.  The strain of it all is taking it's toll on my friend. 

The grandparents in this case went to court for their separate access, only to be told they too had to have supervised visits at a Visitor Centre - They are lovely people, it just doesn't make sense (They declined the ludicrous offer)

I understand that the people making these decisions can't take risks (if there is anything untoward involved) but seems to me that they are making these decisions from some sort of guide with no thought to the human element.  I don't know.

[Twoshoes]

I was lucky in two ways when my marriage ended, a mate at work had gone through a very messy break up where his wife made it very difficult for him to see his daughter until eventually all contact was lost to the  point she moved with her daughter to the US. seeing the pain and heartache he went through I swore to myself that if it happened to me I'd do all I was able to do to ensure the children came first. 

    When it happened my kids decided to stay with me, I bent over backwards to ensure my wife saw the kids as much as she wanted, she called virtually every day, she had complete access. Hard as it was and believe me it was hard the kids came first for both of us, after the break up we had few disagreements but not many, after many years we had an amicable divorce without going backwards and forwards through solicitors We have stayed friends to the point myself and Lou went to the ex's wedding to the guy she left me for. we all get on though it did take me years to stop swearing at him as he drove past in the car. Her hubby has been great with the kids,in fact done more for them with their home improvements etc than I ever could.

  Whether my experience is not the norm or not I don't know but I can't imagine depriving children of a parent unless there was a very good reason. I now find myself in the position of not having seen my youngest son for three years due to a disagreement with his sister that escalated into him cutting himself off from the whole family, grandparents and all. I can't imagine Len missing out on the whole growing up years of my children, the last three years have been bad enough, I've only seen his children about six times if that. Luckily for me I have the mindset that people will do what they do regardless of others feelings and as long as he is happy good luck to him, he knows where I am should he need me.

   It might be a naive simplistic view but I feel that if people at the starting point of a break up could just sit down and think why they were together in the first place and use a bit of common sense and decency and not make it a war where there has to be a winner and a loser. Very happy for you Len to have reconnected with your son and daughter and wish you all the best for the future.

[Len]

That's great.  As you say, and I can imagine, not easy, but you both put your children first, which minimised any damage a divorce can do to them.

My elder sister and her husband went out for a meal with his ex-wife and her new husband spending his last child support payment on the meal for them all - Bizarre but how nice! Again, theirs' was a 'rocky road' at first, but then the dust settled ref all the strong emotions, and they soon put the children first.

I only know how hard my situation has been for me, I'm deeply effected, and even had vivid nightmares over the years.  But I can't begin to imagine what my children are now thinking, how can they unpick a mindset of over 20 years? I know it won't be like 'flicking a switch', and it won't be good for them to suddenly go against their mum (That would be a shallow victory for me) 

I'm thinking that my Son (The youngest, so doesn't remember anything) will be quicker at dealing with it - I just hope so much that he visits my mum (his gran) before it's too late for her (She's now in her 80's) A few years back, my mum and dad drove over 200 miles to Blackburn to be prayed for by one of those evangelical preachers about all this - Whether you are religious or not, that just tells you how much these situations can hurt so many people. Bless em (literally!)